


Millenium Baby

by terma_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-01-01
Updated: 2002-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:15:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26498485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terma_archivist/pseuds/terma_archivist
Summary: Note from alicettlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived atTER/MAand was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2019. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address onthe TER/MA collection profile.
Relationships: Alex Krycek/Fox Mulder
Collections: TER/MA





	1. Millenium Baby

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alicettlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [TER/MA](https://fanlore.org/wiki/TER/MA) and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2019. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [the TER/MA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/terma/profile).

  
**Millenium Baby  
by Ratfink**

  
I was sitting on the bar, just like usual. I started coming here, shortly after I had seen him for the last time. I kind of hoped, that I would run into him, even though I feared, that he would avoid coming here. It was here where we had had our last talk, it was here, where he had said,: "I can't see you for a while, but I will contact you when there are any changes." 

Of course I had known, that there was nothing that would keep him away, if he really wanted to stay, so maybe he just didn't wanted to be with me, as much as I wanted to be with him. 

It's hard to think this, because there really is nothing I want to be rather, than with him. 

God, I hate unrequited love, its so fucking depressive. 

Great, now they are playing this song. "Give me back my heart". I actually listen to it, and while I try to stop singing along, I realize, how pathetic I am. This terrible singer sings about terrible feelings, and I sit here, in this poor rundown roachhaven, and I can't stop singing along. 

Thats when I hear his voice. If this was a musical, he would probably just sing along with me, but it isn't a musical, but it can't be reality as well, because before I can act, with saying something like:"What the hell are you doing here?" his tongue is in my mouth and prevents me not only from talking, but also from thinking. 

Wow, if they are playing "voulez vous couchez avec moi ce soir" now, I will wake up, and realize, that this is nothing more but a really bad, or maybe really good dream. 

But thank god they play "summer of 69", and he is still here with me, and my body starts to react to his presence instantly. My tongue meets his in desperation, and I realize, he tastes just the same way, he did 5 months ago, and if it weren't for my fucking eiditic memory, I guess I could just tell myself, that he was never gone, and that the last five months did not happen. 

But being the way I am, I have to push him away from me. I mourn the loss of warmth, but I can't take him back like this, not without an explanation. I just need this, even with him, where I already have to abandon my morals, I still need to keep my dignity, and five months without a word from him, cannot be tolerated, not even if my body seems to think otherwise. 

He looks surprised, a little hurt, just as if he came back home, and I kicked him out, without telling him why. That makes me angry. I am pissed now, I mean I am royally pissed. So I start yelling at him, at least thats what I think I am doing, but somehow his look got to me, and before I know what I am doing, I am holding him close to me, as if I wanted prove, that this was really him. His closeness persuades me. It has to be him. Noone feels like this, and believe me, I tried a lot of different people, but the mixture of danger and tenderness he radiates, is unique. 

He finally whispers in my ear: "I told you I would come back, I just had to buy some breathing space for us, so that we could start this without being interrupted. Why are you mad at me?" and then after a short pause he asks:"Are you mad at me?" 

I can't answer him. I can't let go either, but my mind is racing. It's true, he said he'd be back, and here he is, but I still need to know more. Of course my traiterous body still reacts exactly the way it has since I first met him, but this doesn't change the fact, that I am mad. So thats what I tell him, maybe kissing him when I stop speaking is not really the way of demonstrating my anger, but he seems to understand, and he looks as if he is sorry. That's odd, I've known him for quite a while now, and somehow he never looked at me like this, so I tell him, what I really have to say. 

I tell him, that I missed him, and that he should never leave me again, or I will kill him. 

When he looks at me, he raises one eyebrow and I know, he is up to something. I know this look, I have seen it a million times it seems, and there is nothing, that could make me happier right now, than knowing that whatever he is up to, it involves me. 

Well, maybe I take that back. 

He takes my hand into his, and when he speaks he sounds sincere. 

"I was actually already back last week, but I didn't wanted to contact you yet," before I can say something, he presses his lips on mine, to keep me quiet, and I oblige at least for now "it was important, you know. Its the 8th of April now, and I had to wait till today." 

I can't keep quiet now, and I try very hard not to yell, when I ask him why. 

He gives me this look, this look he invented to irritate me, and tells me, as if it is the most normal thing in this world:" We had to wait, because tonight, tonight is the night, where we can make it. We can have sex, and if we are really lucky, we will have a Millenium Baby." 

I think, yeah, thats a ctually a good idea, until my brain starts working again, and I tell him, that I don't want to have children with him. What would Scully say, and my mother. Oh my god, even thinking about it gives me the creeps. 

He understands, he always does, and before we leave, to drive home, he leans over to me, and tells me in this ashamed little voice. 

"I lied, I didn't stay away because of this. I just wanted to know, if I was welcome." 

I, of course knew that, it dawned me, when I looked at him, so I tell him to hush, it's no big deal. 

"I never believed you anyway, Alex. Because even if we tried real hard, I think we can't have children together." 

He suppresses his laughter, but he can't stay serious, when he finally mutters between his teeth. 

"Party Pooper!" 

I laugh out loud, and hold him close to me, as we leave. 

* * *

I just had to write this, because all day long it was said on the radio that you should try to have sex tonight, so that your child will be born on New Years eve. I thought, well, since I am single, I could go out, and find some guy, but I thought about that again, and decided, that staying at home and writing something would be better. So here it is, and before you ask....I do know that they cannot have a baby. So I guess you can call this an AU   
Feedback always welcome, and thanks to the people who gave me feedback on my first story, it was highly appreciated, and it keeps me going [email removed]   
---


	2. Politics of Love

  
**Politics of Love  
by Ratfink**

  
"You did what?" 

"I had to. He is so....I just don't like him. You should have seen his face though. It was priceless!" 

"It was, in your opinion, worth the risk of being discovered? It was worth the money you paid and the fact that you left me here all alone for an entire week?" 

"Yep!" 

"Leaving me here all alone for one entire week, even though I can't even sleep without you anymore?" 

"Fox?" 

"Yes?" 

"You are sweet." 

"I am, aren't I?" 

One kiss and a slap on the head later.... 

"How come, you spend you're spare time in Germany? I mean, aren't the enemies you have here enough for one life time? Do you have to screw with german politicians as well? I mean, politics can't be that important, can they?" 

"Politics are that important, baby. If we don't pay attention to what they are doing, who will?" 

"But.....Germany?" 

"They are in the Nato. They could stop this insanity. I voted for them because I thought they would." 

"You vote in Germany?" 

"I vote in many countries. It's really cool what you can do if you can hack yourself in some of their computer systems." 

"I still can't believe you are so radical about this." 

"Am not! I just don't like this guy. He's such a hypocrate." 

"Look who's talking. Mr I-am-your-partner-because-I-admire-your-work-so-much!" 

"Hey, the I-am-your-partner-because-I-admire-your-ass wouldn't have worked as well." 

"You could have tried." 

"Okay, I try now.....I love your ass." 

"Nope, now it's too late." 

One more kiss and a tongue bath later...... 

"I missed you, you know?" 

"It's okay, Fox. I missed you just as much. Please understand though, I had to do it." 

"I do. Still, it was too dangerous. You shouldn't risk your life that way." 

"Okay, I promise. Next time, I'll be more careful." 

"Good, that was all I wanted to hear." 

"And here I was thinking there was something else you might want." 

"Okay, maybe I want to hear you scream my name...." 

"I thought so." 

"Tell me about this other politician. The one who looks like Skinner." 

"He's kind of cute actually." 

"Who, Skinner or this guy?" 

"Both!" 

"If you want to live for a while longer, better be nice to me, or I tell him you said so." 

"You wouldn't do that, Fox." 

"Why not?" 

"Because I can't imagine you standing in Skinner's office saying 'Oh, by the way, the man you've been searching for in the last years is now my lover. He lives in my apartment as my own personal love slave and last week, you won't belive that, but last week he told me he thought you were cute.' I really would like to see his face when you do that." 

"Own personal love slave? You are so romantic." 

"Only for you, Love." 

"What was it you threw at this guy?" 

"Just a bag with color in it. He had this red spot on his jacket for the entire day." 

"What did they call you?" 

"I think they said I was a 'Radikal Pazifist'." 

"Do you have any clue what that means?" 

"Nope." 

"Alex, are we done talking?" 

"Why?" 

"Just so I can take you to bed." 

"I think we are done talking." 

"Radikal Pazifist." 

The end 

* * *

_PS: Radikal Pazifist is someone who wants peace and is willing to throw color bags to get it..._

Disclaimer: They are not mine. But I think you already knew that   
Rated: PG   
Pairing: M/K   
Spoilers: Unless you want to consider german politics as a spoiler... none   
Series/Sequels: Sequel to 'Millenium Baby' which can be found at <http://www.fortunecity.de/tatooine/godzilla/52/ratfink.htm>   
You don't need it though.   
Okay, this one's gonna need some explaining I guess. I am from Germany, so I am interested in german politics. There was actually an incident where one of our ministers was, well....colored bright red. I guess Alex wasn't there, but I couldn't stop thinking, what if he was. This is just a PWP. There's not even enough plot for a sex scene!!! I know, I will better myself. It was more or less for my own entertainment, but maybe someone will get a kick out of it.   
There is actually really a politician in Germany who looks like Skinner. His name is Gregor Gysi and he is really kind of cute.....IMO:)   
Feedback: PLEASE [email removed]   
May 1999   
---


	3. Tales

  
**Tales  
by Ratfink**

  
**Part One: Escaped**

_I am the Escaped One_

I am the escaped one,   
After I was born   
They locked me up inside me   
But I left.   
My soul seeks me,   
Through hills and valley,   
I hope my soul   
Never finds me. 

(Fernando Pessoa) 

  
My life remained the same. Sure, I am older now. I am stronger. I lived through hell once, and now, being who I am, I learned to handle things. Seeing my life though, I have to realize that I am still the ten year old, sitting in his room, waiting for someone to say a word. Something. Something to tell me I was still there. 

My father was a strict man. Whenever one of us did something wrong, we would get a beating we could feel at least for one week. But that wasn't what we feared. We knew, he had other ways to punish us. 

I had just turned ten years old, when I saw it. I was a post-war child. We never had much money. Our dad had to make sure to bring me and my brothers and sisters up. 

There was no chance of getting nicer clothes or toys. We were brought up to regard things like this as a luxury we could not afford. I knew that, but still, the first time I laid eyes on it, I wanted to have it. I didn't care about the price. I didn't care about anything but 'it.' 'It' was a stuffed animal. A fox to be exact. It seemed to just lay there resting it's head on its tail, regarding the world unmoved. The lazy eyes never following anything, content with itself. I could have looked at it for hours. Just standing there and admire its sleek grace. I knew better than to ask my parents for it. 

I gave up the idea of ever owning it. It was too beautiful to stay where I was staying. My brothers would tear it apart within seconds. It would get dirty. It was my fox, and I wanted him, but not with me. It was enough to just walk by the shopping window every day, where it was displayed. 

My father usually brought his money home Friday evening. We would sit there, waiting for him, so he could show us what he had earned, and then mom would take the money to get some food for us. Fridays were a delight. Everyone was in a good mood. My father felt needed, my mother felt like a good mother, and we felt loved. This Friday evening was just like every other Friday. We waited for dad to come home, and when he did, he showed us the money. That was the moment I first thought about stealing it. I knew where my mom kept the money, and I was sure that she wouldn't notice the missing dollar. That was all I needed. Just this one dollar, and then I could keep the fox with me. Forever. No one would have to know about it. I could keep him hidden. It was so easy to take the money. So easy to walk to the shop with it. Holding in my hand the dream I didn't want to give up. I couldn't do it. I was so close. 

But I kept imagining my mom finding out about this, and I couldn't. Not even for my fox. I never even entered the shop. I stood outside, looking into these eyes that tried to talk me into buying it. I wanted to, I really did. I didn't. I walked back as fast as I could. All the way home I had the terrible feeling that my actions would turn against me. That I wouldn't make it back in time, and they would have find out that their son was a thief. A criminal. A liar. I made it home in record time and I was home before they noticed there was money missing. 

Dad caught me when I tried to put it back. I tried to tell him, tried to explain to him, that I hadn't done anything. I was just returning it. He wouldn't have it. I remember the way he looked at me when he called me a thief. I knew that this time I wouldn't get a beating. 

This time he would kill me. I saw a rage in his eyes that I hadn't seen before. Well, he didn't kill me, and then again, maybe that was what he did. He just did it slower, less messy. He stopped talking. Doesn't sound that hard, and I guess for him it wasn't. He ignored me. He told me that no one was allowed to talk to me for as long as he wanted it this way. He ignored me. That was his punishment. That was his way to tell me that I had stopped existing for him. His way to show me that I was nothing. He also told my mom not to talk to me. Sometimes she would look at me, her eyes filled with sadness over my bad deed, but she would not say a word. No one disobeyed my father. Not even his wife. 

I remember that I thought myself lucky for not getting a beating, and lucky that he hadn't done something worse. That was before. Before I felt the silence spreading like a disease around me. My brothers and sisters started ignoring me. So did my friends and the neighbors. He had told them what I had done, and they despised me for it. As long as no one talked to me my existence was of no importance. I could do whatever I wanted to do. I came home too late, I wore dirty clothes to school, I beat up on younger kids, but soon I realized that even that was of no meaning. No one allowed himself to be touched by my actions, so there really wasn't anything I did. I felt how I disappeared. Every minute of every day I struggled to be seen. Just a look, a word, a touch, but whatever I did, it went unnoticed. 

Thinking about it today, I remember the feeling this gave me. I had tried to do the right thing. I had left the one thing behind I loved, so I could live with myself. I loved my parents and friends and brothers and sisters with all my heart. I would go through fire for them. But they wouldn't. One thing. One moment of my life made them turn their backs on me. They did not understand what that did to me. I felt as if I was fading away just in front of their eyes. No one tried to help me. At night I started having nightmares, but my screams stayed unanswered. The coldness around me would not leave me. I wasn't a bad kid. Not back then. I don't want to say that I am what I am because of the things I went through. You just are what people see in you. If they don't see you, you are not there. If they see a bad person, you are a bad person. My father went through with his punishment for almost a month. 

It was like a lifetime full of experiences for me. If you would ask me today what made me the person I am with all the good and bad sides I can put my finger on this time span. And still I am not there. I learned that I could do everything. I just had to take care not to be caught. I lived on this knowledge and I survived on it. 

I don't want to make excuses for my actions. I made mistakes. I decided wrong and ultimately, I paid the price. I still can't walk with my head up through a crowd. I still get the chills when my phone rings or there's a knock on the door. I know it can't be anything good. I have no friends that call or visit me, yet enough enemies that would like to see me dead. So I spend the time alone with my thoughts. Alone with just the knowledge of my wasted life. But that's how I can exist. Between the shadows. Now, I play it the other way around. When I was a kid I turned into nothing because people didn't see me. Now people don't see me because there is nothing there to see anymore. And that's good. That's my peace. 

The first time I met him, he was not only Fox to me, he was my fox. He was the one thing I had left behind. The one thing I wanted. Again, I knew I couldn't have him. I would only degrade him. Just like I did it then. They asked me to send him to the top of the mountain. I could have done it so easily. He would have loved me for it. He would have never found out who I was and why I was with him. So easy. Still I couldn't do it. They didn't want him dead. Not yet. They promised me that I could be with him. They wanted me to be with him. That was their plan, and my dream. I hadn't changed enough yet. I was still too much the kid my parents had wanted me to be. With letting him go there, I would have supported their cause. His quest would have been the one thing lost on the way up there. 

It was in the end easier than I had thought it to be. To give him up, I mean. I stopped him, like I had stopped myself as a child. I gave him up, and the punishment this time was even harder. Giving up a stuffed animal had been easy. Easy compared to what I felt when I realized that I had lost him. Though I knew that we were not meant to be. 

* * *

When I came to him to offer my help it was the fatal attempt of a ten year old to get back a life that was lost long ago. I should have known better. I asked him not to call them. If more people would find out about my little guilt trip, the bigger the danger would be for me. I wanted to give him his sacred truth. But I did not want to die. He said it would stay between him and me. He said he would give me the time to run before he would use the knowledge I gave him. That was my present for him. The gift of truth. For all the wrongs I did to him I wanted to give him this. 

There was of course something else as well. I learned that behind everything I have been doing lately there was something in it for me. All I wanted was one person that would care if I was dead or alive. And if it was just because of my knowledge that was okay with me. But he wouldn't listen, couldn't wait. Not even my precious information was worthy enough reason for him to keep me safe. I should have known better than to trust him. 

He called them the same evening he promised me not to. I slept in his bed, feeling safe and secure for the first time in such a long while. I craved that feeling more than anything else. I even felt for a second as if I could turn around my life. I knew I wouldn't make it out of this mess alive, but whatever short span I had left I had the chance to undo some of the bad things that made me the person I am. In his eyes at least. While I slept, he talked to them on the phone, telling them to get me, and when I woke up they were there to take me away. They brought me to a safe house so no one could kill me, and so that I couldn't escape. 

I stopped trying at that moment. Stopped trying to run away, and for the first time since I started in this game I also stopped trying to stay alive. It was not as if anyone, not even myself, cared where or if I was, so jail was just about as good a place as any other. He came to see me. Asked me questions. He took the only part of me that was important to him. I gave him his answers. With that, I gave him what was left inside of me. My father once took my being within one month, and I had tried for years to fill this hollowness with something else. With power, with hate, with information. I read books, made the authors experiences my own, stole glances of people that looked happy to me. I made their dreams my own. I filled my heart with the love for him, knowing that I would never have him. How could I love someone that could see me. Whoever it would be would find me empty. He never tried to find out who I was. That gave me the security I needed. Loving him was my insurance. Not only to safety, but also to sanity. It was the voice that talked to me when everyone else turned away. 

I gave him what I had. I emptied myself once more, knowing that this time whatever life span I had in front of me would not be enough to refill what he had taken. It was not his fault though; I betrayed him. He betrayed me right back. That's the way things are. I should have grown used to it by now. At the end I told him that I wasn't mad at him for doing what he did. I know he didn't care but I had to say it anyway. I also told him that I would not know him from now on. Wherever my life would take me, I would not see him anymore. I don't know if it was the right choice, but I couldn't see him anymore. It was too painful. Life was too painful. I had once again forgotten that real life was something to stay away from. Something too dangerous, even for me. 

That was over a month ago now. I haven't seen him since. They allowed me to leave after I had told them everything I knew. That was the deal. They were so happy that my own freedom was all I wanted in return for my information. I would have given it away for free. 

I am still in Washington. Not because I like it here. I just lack the power to go somewhere else. They gave me an apartment and some money. Part of a deal they decided on. I just said okay. That's where I have been for the last month. Trying to fix what is to fix, trying to get myself together so I can start breathing again. Failing as always. I sit on the floor and I see the book I have been reading for the last month. I am still on the first page. Whenever I pick it up, I can't help thinking that it's not mine. It's theirs. Their story, their emotion. I am stealing it, just like I stole that money over 25 years ago, like I stole my love for you, from you. 

I am sorry. Can you hear me Mom? I am sorry, I didn't think about it. It was there; I took it. Can't you tell Dad I am sorry? I am so tired of running from him. Tired of his power over me. 

I am sorry that you both died before I was able to ask you to give me back my life. Now the chance is gone. 

I am depressing myself again. I have to leave this apartment. There is a bar right over the street. Maybe a cheap booze can fill me. At least for tonight. 

* * *

**Part Two: Worthless Lie**

Mulder: 

When he came to me with his offer to help, I couldn't believe it. He was the man who had murdered my father. The man I hated more than anyone else, and he was supposed to be the one giving me what I had always wanted. I promised him whatever he wanted to hear. 

He looked tired, but I didn't think about that until later. I told him he should sleep for a while, and that we could talk about the rest tomorrow. 

He believed me. 

He slept. 

Peacefully. 

In my bed. 

I couldn't believe the chance he had offered me. I called Scully and then Skinner. They arranged for him to be brought in. He woke up when five Agents entered the room, and he didn't even fight while they took him away. I stayed in the living room avoiding a confrontation with him. When they brought him past me, he didn't look at me. He walked slowly in between the two agents. They twisted his arms, it must have hurt him like hell, but he didn't move. I wondered for a second how long you must be on the run before you simply stop caring what will happen to you. It didn't even dawn me at first that he must have thought that they were there to kill him. Maybe that was why he came to me. Maybe he wanted to put an end to it all. But he had asked me to give him time to run. He wanted to live. He had trusted me to keep him alive. That was what he wanted in return for the truth. I could have given it to him, I just didn't think about it at that time. After all, he was someone I hated. My enemy. 

I felt something remotely like guilt, but I soon dismissed it as my own much too good heart. He was a killer, ruthless. He didn't deserve better. I was so sure of that until I saw him the next day. He had stopped looking tired. He looked dead. He didn't even wait for me to ask the right questions. He started talking about everything he knew. I just wrote down whatever words left his mouth and five hours later I realized that I had what I needed. Everything I needed. All the facts, names, numbers. The proof I had searched for all my life. This could maybe even help me to find my sister. That was the moment I also realized that I held a man's life in my hands. His past and, profoundly, also his future. 

When he looked at me with these cold green eyes that always seemed so distant and told me that he wasn't mad at me, I saw for one second things from his point of view. He had trusted me. He had laid his life into my hands and I had endangered it without even thinking about it. He gave me the way out of this. His ignorance was the best thing that could happen to me. I wanted him out of my life, and he took himself out of it. I didn't even have to do anything; I just had to betray him like he had betrayed me. He deserved no better. But still, I started to feel for him. If I think about it today, that was maybe how it had to be. Call it fate. He stopped caring for himself, so I took over. Still, I couldn't tell him that. I left. I made him feel as if his information was all he was worth. I took from him all he had and left him to die. Alone, as he had lived alone. That same evening, I talked to Scully on the phone for over two hours, until I was almost sure that she would shoot me if I didn't let her go to sleep soon. I needed the reassurance that I was not alone. That I had a partner in my fight. When I tried to sleep I couldn't stop seeing his eyes. The ones full of trust when he was standing in my apartment, and then the ones he had when telling me that I was out of his life. It hurt like hell to realize that I had been his partner. I had been the one that shared his fight. At least in his dreams 

* * *

I haven't seen him since that day. He cut a deal with the FBI and is free now. They have not killed him, at least as far as I know. I find myself wondering more and more often where he is. I miss him. I miss the way he made me hate him. I miss the way he always seemed to find a way into my life. Looking at it I had to learn that he had never really betrayed me. He had lied to me, he had hidden a few things, but in the end it was always to keep me from greater harm. I lie awake at night and ponder the questions only he has the answers to. Now they have nothing to do with the consortium, but with me. I want to know why he saved my life, why he risked his life again and again to give me the information I needed, and why it was my door he knocked on to come clear with his past. Why did he trust me, why did he forgive me, and most of all where was he. It's too late now. His words that were a blessing for me once are now here to haunt me. 

"You will not be a part of my life anymore, Mulder! I am free of you and your search for the truth. I'll go my way, and you'll go yours." 

I hear them every night. I see green eyes in a crowd and they haunt me. I lie awake and ask myself who he is. Could there have been an 'us?' Was I really a part of his life, and if I was, why did I throw it away? Scully thinks I am getting sick. She doesn't know how to help me. I don't sleep anymore. I started searching for him. Not like I search for my sister. For her, I search in my files. Him, I search in my life. I enter a room and I hope he is there. I know he is somewhere around me. Sometimes I can feel his closeness. I think I was the one to finally kill him. He was my survivor. Even when I hated him, I had to grin at the thought of him escaping one trap after another. He was my equal; he was my counterpart. The man I saw the last time had lost that. Is he still the survivor he was? 

Scully is taking me out tonight. She says I need a good time so I can be in a better mood again. I do as she tells me. I know she loves me, and that's what keeps me sane. We end up at this bar and just stepping in, I think that this is his kind of place. I can imagine him sitting there in the dark corner. Alone. Just like I always imagine him. Has someone like him a family? Is there someone who loves him, like Scully loves me? The moment I ask myself this question I already know the answer. I hope though that he has one. Because if not, he must feel even more hollow and dead than I do. I keep an eye on the dark corner. His corner. I can't look away, and then I see him. 

I can't believe it at first. I never dared to hope to ever see him again. It feels like a dream, I can't act, can't talk to him. Who am I to deserve this. He came to me with trust, and I betrayed him. 

I look at him and take in the way he moves. The catlike movements I admired so much when I first met him are gone. Gone also the lethal look he used to have. Like I imagined it, he walks towards the end seat of the bar. Darkness surrounds him. No one seems to have noticed that he entered the room. I remember a time when his presence turned all the heads. Now he melts into the shadows. If there were a court to punish my sins, I would accept a death sentence for doing this to him. For taking away from all the other people in the world the one person he could have been. 

He has to ask the bartender for a drink. The man would not see him, and the ease of this tells me that he is used to it. His eyes scan the room, but he doesn't see me yet. He turns his head away again and looks at the glass in front of him. I can't take my eyes away from him. He looks tired, but I can't even remember seeing him any other way. Looking at him there my heart melts and I finally understand my obsession with him. I have to admit to myself that everything he does affects my life. I don't live as long as he doesn't see what I am doing. His life is mine, and that must mean that I love him. Scully calls out my name and from the irritation in her voice I can hear that it's not the first time she does it. She has not seen him. No one has. I am the only one in this room who notices his presence. 

"Mulder? What is wrong with you? You look as if you've seen a ghost!" 

I can't answer her. Not yet. Alex leans forward and orders a new drink. While he is talking to the bartender I go to see the DJ. Scully calls out behind me, but I don't even hear what she is saying. I have an idea, a plan so to speak, and I need his attention for that. I can't just walk up to him, but I can't let him go away without him knowing what I feel. Just like he wanted to use his last chance to change his life with putting everything he had into my hands, I need to do the same thing now with him. He is my chance for a life. He is the truth I have been searching for all my life. I ask the DJ to play a special song, and sensing my desperation he does. While I am talking to him Alex finally sees me. He just looks at me, no surprise, no emotion showing. The moment the singer starts I can see him tense though. He knows the pain. So do I. 

_The sheets won't need changing everyday  
The freeze supplies should last a week   
Those hidden little points that you're away   
Nothing much has changed since you were here._

We never even had that, but still I feel that I miss it. I can imagine coming home to him so vividly that it feels as if I did it all my life. I hope he understands what I want to say. It's my last chance. 

_And when she calls I hope it's you that dials  
I hope it's you that feels this love inside   
And when I touch her I hope it's you that smiles   
And when I die I hope it's you I'm beside_

I love Scully, don't get me wrong, still, he is the ally I need. I look at him, and to my surprise I look right into his eyes. I walk towards him. He turns away. I know, Alex. The pain is deep. I am sorry. I stand right behind him now, and he still doesn't turn around. I am out of his life. He told me that he would not see me anymore. I have to make him see though. I lean forward to whisper into his ear. 

"I played this song for you. If you can't listen to me, listen to it." 

_The family pack seems larger then it should  
Two for one's not good if there's just one   
I'd raise a bigger smile if I could   
But me minus you equals none   
And when we kiss she knows it's you I kiss   
Cause when we kiss I always start to cry   
You just can't cover up these lying lips   
When I die I hope it's you I'm beside   
To die with her would be a worthless lie   
To die with her would be a worthless die   
To die together would be worth a try   
To die together would be worth a try_

I feel him sag towards me. He still doesn't turn around so I simply put my arms around him from behind. I whisper the song along with the singer into his ear. It feels so right to hold him like this. He still is tense. Trust doesn't come easy to people like him, and I betrayed him before. 

_An Ambulance flashed past me in the street  
Just yards from where we were to meet   
I was half hoping you were dead meat   
That it was you that was under the sheet _

And as you lay there alone in the ward   
Fumbling for the keys for death' door   
At least I had summed up the nerves   
To whisper you these words   
Finally   
Quietly   
Actually   
I love you 

* * *

When I saw him standing there talking to this man, it was him, just like I remembered him. All confident. Beautiful. I wanted to steal from his life again just like I had done all those years. I would have, a few months ago, now even my shell is not strong enough to be filled with your light. I knew he wouldn't see me. No one does. That's my way to hide, my way to stay alive. Then he turned around and looked at me. Straight at me. I don't know what to do. I haven't looked into anyone's eyes for so long now. This song. It's wonderful. It's for me. He said it was for me. He went to the DJ and told him to play this song because he wanted me to hear this. I don't care about anything but this. It makes me feel special. I know he will turn around and leave as soon as the song is over. I am not stupid anymore. I learned my lesson. He was a good teacher. 

But for now I use this moment to fill me up. A memory of my own. Feelings I can analyze and remember when I am alone. I want to thank him for this, but I can't talk. Maybe it's better this way. Maybe he's just a dream, and the moment I'll open my mouth he will disappear. I feel his arms around me. I don't want to move. He'll leave if I move. It can't be a dream though. I see Scully standing on one of the tables. I don't like her, she wouldn't be in my dream. She looks surprised. There he is, your partner, hugging a killer. I don't care. Maybe she'll come over and shoot me. I would welcome death. The song is right. 

When I die I hope it's you I'm beside. 

When he actually says the words, I didn't even dare thinking, I feel like I am dying. I always thought I would see death coming. A bullet flying towards me. A knife, a fist, I could never imagine that death could be so wonderful. I am still empty, but I don't care anymore, because he is giving me life. Those words tell me that there will be someone grieving when I am gone. I recall the way I felt for him before he betrayed me. I can't, I gave it back to him. I won't try to take it away from him, not again, but I enjoy this. 

Somehow I am still breathing. His arms are strong around me. He holds me up, kissing away the tears from my eyes that I can't even remember shedding. I see Scully coming towards us. 

Us. 

She looks mad. No, not really mad. Surprised though. She calls his name but he doesn't react. I know this feeling so I take my hand up to his face. He looks at me and I direct his look to Scully. He seems to tell her something with his eyes, and she seems as always to understand. She smiles gently at him. I wish someone would have a smile like this reserved for me, like she has it reserved for him. I envy him.....well, nothing new there. She seems to take it well, maybe she hasn't recognized yet who I am. Maybe I am not really here. She tries to look mad when she asks him: 

"Worthless Lie, come on, Mulder, I give you five years of my life and you call me a worthless lie? I know he is cuter then I am, but that is pissing me of." 

He takes in the mocking tone and smiles. I can't see it but I feel his lips moving on the back of my head, and he tells her he loves me. I still can't say anything. I feel as if I am falling. Scully looks at me concerned. She asks me if I am okay. It's the first time someone asks me how I am in such a long time that it finally hits me. 

Mulder is here. He is holding me strong and safe to him, and he just told Scully that he loves me. Mulder and Scully seem to sense at the same moment that there is something wrong with me. Mulder lifts me from my seat and helps me to stand up. I don't want to stand up. I want to stay where I am with his arms around me. I want to tell Scully I am okay. I want to feel like a normal human being. With a lover and friends and people that see him. Before I know what happened I sit in Mulder's car and he is leaned over me. Maybe I don't look too good, because now, out in the lights of the parking lot both Scully and Mulder seem shocked. I don't know how I look I don't own a mirror. I didn't exist until five minutes ago, why should I have a mirror. 

* * *

**Part Three: Finding**

_Finding_

I found   
and didn't know   
that I had been searching   
But when I found   
the flash flood   
of my yearnings   
broke through   
and   
with overwhelming   
powerlessness   
inundated   
my   
waiting fields 

(Monika Muehleisen) 

When I finally looked at him in the light I was terrified. He looked as if he had lost half his weight during the last month. His hair is filthy and it seems as if he had even less sleep than me. 

We took him to the hospital, Scully as caring and helping as she could be. He passed out several times on our drive there, and whenever he was awake he just kept staring at me. When I took his hand he closed his eyes again and sighed happy. Now that I faced my feelings for him, I am overflowing with love. Scully drove and that was good, because I couldn't take my eyes of him. When we got there they told us what we had already figured. He needed food and rest, and they gave us a diet for him, to help him gain weight as fast as possible. I asked him for his address, to get a few of his things. I would not leave him alone, but he needed clothes and a toothbrush at least before we could go to my apartment. He took it the wrong way. I saw his face. I felt his loss at if it was my own, when he realized that I would bring him home. 

_How could I let you go, Alex? Now that I finally found you._

I couldn't. I told him that I would take him home with me, but he still looked as if he didn't believe me. He still hadn't said a word, simply handed me his wallet with the address in it. Already on the way Scully and I were both shocked to see what he had turned into. This submissive person with no own will was not the Alex Krycek we knew. But then again, we never really knew him. His apartment was in a rather nice area and close to the club we had met him. I knew the FBI had paid for his apartment, but Skinner had made sure, that I would not get the information about his whereabouts. It was one of our old safe houses. 

When I entered his apartment it gave me the creeps. Scully was right behind me. Alex was not leaving the car, and I didn't want to make him to. He didn't want to go back here. Seeing it, I knew perfectly well why. There was nothing in there. No TV, no couch, no furniture. A bedroom with a mattress is all that shows that someone lived here. And a book; open on the first page. I couldn't stop the tears running down my face. I did this to him. There was nothing he cared about anymore, but still it was my hand he was holding on to when he felt lost. Scully's arms sneaked around my waist when she realized that I was crying. As much as I needed her comfort, I couldn't stay close to her. It reminded me of the thing he didn't have. The way she is handling this new revelation shows that she knows me maybe better than I know myself. She must have known what I felt before I realized it myself. Knowing her, I knew that she will support me and Alex as much as she can as long as I need her to. I couldn't tell her how much that meant to me, but I guess she knows. 

We stopped on the way to my apartment to buy him everything he would need. I was not letting him go back there, and nothing could make me go back. No way. He seemed glad about that. When we had returned to the car, he was waiting, his eyes closed. He had started to tremble and I couldn't stop worrying about him. He looked so fragile, so vulnerable that I wished I could crawl under his skin, giving him somehow back what I had taken. When he looked at me and his sweet lips curled into a smile he took my breath away. I held him close to me, all the way to my apartment, and slowly the trembling subsided. When we finally arrived, he was almost sleeping in my arms. He made a conscious effort though to stay awake, and he had not fully relaxed yet. 

Here we are now. He is sleeping in my bed again. It took a while for him to settle down. I almost carried him from the car to my apartment, he lost so much weight that it wasn't even hard to do. He clung to me all the way, and Scully couldn't hold back a grin at that. He still hasn't said a word, and I was wondering if he maybe had a shock. I was helping him to undress and put him firstly under the shower. Scully was sensitive enough to give us our privacy and prepared some food in the kitchen. 

To make things easier I stepped with him under the warm spray of the shower. Not that he would have let go of me in the first place. It was a bit awkward to undress while his arms were still around me. But I managed it somehow. Feeling his naked skin against mine was a sensual overload I had not expected. Even when I looked at him naked, seeing the desolate condition he was in, I couldn't will down my growing erection. I couldn't believe it. Scully was in the kitchen, he looked like dead, falling almost asleep even under the shower, and still it took all my willpower not to ravage him. He seemed to enjoy my inner battle. 

Instead of helping me, he grinned at me—the first sign of the Alex I had fallen in love with—and gently ran his fingers along the length of my shaft. I almost jumped at the touch, not knowing if I should run away or lean closer. He made the decision for me. He leaned in closer, softly purring at the contact. That was what he had seemed to need, the knowledge that I would respond to him. For everything else he was too tired. I had to smile at the idea. My Alex was a tease. This was promising. I stepped with him into the spray and soaped him as fast as possible. He was luxuriating in the touch and seemed disappointed when I almost hauled him out the shower. There was only that much I could take, and I had no intention of fucking a sleeping man, so I had to get out. But I had to learn something about him right then. He was maybe a tease, but he would also always deliver on his promises. 

Before I was able to get a towel to dry him and me, he slid down my body and was suddenly on his knees in front of me, his luscious mouth right in front of my dick that was calling for attention, then even more than ever before. He looked at it as if it was his price, letting his tongue slid out to lick the head softly. Never in my life had I felt something like this. His hands were busying themselves on my ass, slowly stroking and petting the cheeks. This was heaven for me. Heaven in it's purest sense. 

Without warning he looked up at me, and swallowed me to the root. I wanted to stay quiet, I really did. I knew Scully would hear me, but I couldn't hold back the scream that was forming in my throat. I don't know how he did it, but he had more conscious thought than I had, and before a sound left my mouth, his hand came up and covered my mouth. All that was heard was a really loud moaning, and our labored breathing. I couldn't care less though if Scully heard it or not, because before I could even remember that she was there, he was using his tongue and mouth to drive me fucking insane. It didn't take long for me to come to the point of no return. I felt my orgasm build at high speed, and with one whispered "Alex" on my part, I exploded in his mouth. 

The next thing I remembered was that I was lying beside him on the bathroom floor, feeling his tongue, that had made me pass out a few moments ago, licking my neck. He was spooned up behind me, and seemed to have no intention of getting up from the floor. I turned my head to look at him, and saw for the first time the glimpse of the man he could have been, if he had had his amount of happiness. His eyes were half closed, and his face totally relaxed. His face was flushed and looking sexy as hell. I have never felt like this about anyone, and seeing him here like this, I knew, that I could never let him go. Since he didn't seem to have the strength to stand up, I scooped up myself, thinking of Scully, who would be really surprised finding us both asleep on the floor. I dried him, while he was lying on the floor, not moving. Then I got dressed and wrapped him in my robe. I helped him to stand up, and he allowed me to lead him to the bedroom. 

Scully was already waiting in the living room, coming inside when she heard us leaving the bathroom. She couldn't hold back her smug grin when she looked at me. She wasn't even asking what had taken so long. I guess one look at us was enough for her to know anyway. If I looked just half as satiated as I felt, I could wear a sign saying: I just had the best blowjob of my life. 

I was putting him to bed, trying to ignore Scully's look, trying to ignore his hand that was travelling up my thigh. Succeeding with both for the moment. I thought he would fall asleep the moment he hit the mattress, but he didn't. Instead, he took a hold of my hand, gripping it harder then I would have thought he had the power to. While I was still trying to persuade him to let go of me, Scully came up behind me, pushing me towards the bed, indicating me to lie down beside him. She told me that she would have to go get some food, since I didn't have enough to eat, and that we both needed some sleep now. The moment I was beside Alex, he had moved closer, resting his head on my shoulder, sleeping the moment he realized that I would not leave. She smiled at that once more, kissing me on the cheek, and ruffling through his hair. 

Sleep doesn't come as easy to me. I watch him for a while. He was the one searching for salvation, and in the end it was me finding it. 

The end 

* * *

Notes: I wanted to thank Hiro and Esther (who will probably laugh her ass off when she reads this) for beta and support. This is a repost of an older, shorter and unbeta'ed story called Worthless Lie. I hope you enjoy it!   
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